Surviving a Miscarriage: Steps to Emotional Healing

The beginning of a surrogacy journey is often filled excitement and anticipation for the future, thoughts of pink and blue and enough smiles to last a lifetime. Everyone is anxiously awaiting positive news and begins preparing for the arrival of a little bundle (or bundles) of joy. It’s so rare during this time of pure bliss, to hear people talk about the potential tragedies that can happen along the way. If you’ve ever suffered a miscarriage during surrogacy you fully understand the disappointment, grief and uncertainty that accompanies the loss of the child you carried – it’s heartbreaking and can be very difficult to comprehend everything you are feeling. You are not alone in what you are going through and there is no right or wrong way to grieve but we’ve put together a few tips we hope will help you through that process.

Step 1: Accept Your Feelings

You will experience a wide range of thoughts from, “This is all my fault!” to “This isn’t fair, my friend didn’t go through this when she was a surrogate!” Be gentle with yourself and understand there is a grieving process that everyone will go through: shock and denial then anger, guilt and depression and finally, acceptance. Wherever you are at in that process, allow yourself to freely feel whatever emotions arise. The more you try to stifle what you are feeling, the longer the grieving process will take. Also, please know that it is completely normal to be confused by your emotions at this time. Some women are able to move through this loss more easily while others are deeply anguished. There are no “shoulds” in this. You understand that you did not lose your own child which may make you question why you feel such grief and sadness but it’s important to remind yourself you are grieving the loss of something that was so meaningful to both you and the intended parents you have grown so close to. Additionally, the miscarriage represents something you were not prepared for nor were you expecting which can be very difficult to come to terms with as well.

Step 2: Know that it is Not Your Fault

Inevitably at some point throughout the grieving process, you will question yourself and what went wrong. You must know that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this and it is in no way your fault. Most commonly miscarriages occur because there is a problem with the chromosomes that would have made it impossible for the fetus to develop normally –science is to blame, not you.

Step 3: Build a Support Network

Reach out to those closest to you –friends, family, the intended parents, or other surrogates. Allow them to provide their understanding, comfort and support. This is one of the most crucial steps in recovering from a miscarriage. You can’t do it alone so make sure you’re getting the support you need.

Step 4: Seek Counseling

Meet with a psychiatrist, preferably one that specializes in reproductive counseling and is familiar with surrogacy. It’s important to talk with a professional that has experience working others that have had a pregnancy loss. They can offer you comfort and guidance as you work through your grief.

Above all else, take care of yourself, be patient during the healing process, and know that you are not alone. Please reach out to us if you’d like more information or need assistance in locating resources that can help during this difficult time.

Recommended Psychiatrists:
Dr. Deborah Simmons
Partners in Healing
10505 Wayzata Blvd, #200

Dr. Deborah Rich
Shoshana Center
Ivy League Place
475 Cleveland Ave. N. #200
St. Paul, MN 55104
phone: 651-645-5504

Advocacy Day 2016: The Fight for Surrogacy Rights

The rights of women who choose to give the ultimate gift to a family are at stake once again as the Minnesota legislature is expected to raise surrogacy in this year’s upcoming session.

As many of you are aware, last year was a close call at the legislature for surrogacy. Although we succeeded in preventing a bill ultimately aimed at banning surrogacy from passing, this year calls for proactive measures: we must educate as many legislators as possible about surrogacy so we can continue to fight such efforts and hopefully pass appropriate regulating legislation in the future.

Please join us for Advocacy Day – Wednesday April 13, 2016

Continue reading “Advocacy Day 2016: The Fight for Surrogacy Rights”

Navigating the uncertain waters of international third-party reproduction

By Steve Snyder, executive director of IARC

Intended parents who wish to have children through third-party reproduction, but face highly restrictive and conflicting laws and regulations in their home countries, are increasingly crossing international borders to have their genetic children abroad.

Although the world is getting smaller and international borders are becoming more and more blurred, conflict among nations is developing over the nationality and citizenship of children born via international surrogacy arrangements. Intended parents must be aware of the complications that can arise when crossing borders for third-party reproduction. Continue reading “Navigating the uncertain waters of international third-party reproduction”

Becoming a surrogate mother: Telling my son about my surrogacy experience

Becoming a surrogate mother is a big decision, and many considering this decision want to know what it is like to be a surrogate. In this blog series we hope to shed some light on the surrogacy process through the experiences of our past and current surrogates, Charity, Nicole and Jaime. To read previous posts from Jaime, click here.

Choosing to be a surrogate was a huge decision to begin with, but once I made that decision, the next obstacle was figuring out how in the world I was going to explain to Jayden, my son, what I was doing. At the time I was preparing for my first journey, Jayden was seven so he didn’t yet know the specifics of how babies were made. I decided I needed to take an approach that would not make him too confused.
Continue reading “Becoming a surrogate mother: Telling my son about my surrogacy experience”